Tuesday, 27 October 2015

A part of me

Today is something different. I have been sitting here for over 2 hours, staring at my post screen wondering whether to write about beauty, fitness or a book review and, neither of them have made me giddy to start typing. But there is something that has been bothering me, and it only feels right that I write about it so that you guys have an insight into my mind, what makes me tick, and why some days I am non existent.

I guess I should start from the beginning.
Since about 7 or 8 years old I have suffered with anxiety, I was always that chubby child who had to try extra hard to make friends, only to loose them a few months later. I always had a hard time making friends, which led to my anxiety becoming worse. I never really got invited places, and when I did I was always worrying that I looked too fat, or my hair wasn't right, or that my outfit sucked...compared to the other girls I was with. I never felt like I would amount to anything, and to this day that still remains the case, I don't have many friends, but I am grateful for the ones I do have, Anyway...
So as I grew older my anxiety got louder and heavier, like I couldn't breath. I piled on the weight after my mum and dad split at the age of 18, putting on a whopping 4 stone! So I tried countless times to lose it, it never worked, my motivation just wasn't there. So I stayed the same.

Now at the age of 22, I am trying my hardest to lose the weight, its working but slowly. However my  confidence is still at an all time low, and my anxiety is as bad as ever.
Blogging has become this world where I don't have to hide my feelings, where I have made so many friends already and I am so thankful that I have them, even though some of them live a few hours away. I am confident that we will meet one day, I really need to stop rambling HA! So I decided to write a blog post to express my feelings, after all, isn't that what blogging is for? I understand this may come across as being a needy person, but I do need to vent sometimes because it can get to a point where I bottle it up so much that it becomes a massive weight on my shoulders and it can cause me to break down. Sometimes I feel like I am worth nothing, that girl's make up is better than mine, my outfit looks horrible compared to hers, and sometimes I read people's blogs and think I will never amount to be that great. Just like some people in my life constantly tell me. It can get a bit much but I feel that blogging and the blogging community is the perfect way to express my feelings, and I know that in this particular world, I wont get judged which is such a relief.

I think I needed to post this to make some people aware of how anxiety can be, I have heard "It's all in your head" and "Jesus smile for god sake" All too many times, but I can't help this feeling, it isn't my fault and I know that it's okay to feel down once in a while.
So that is my little story about anxiety, if you want me to do a Q&A then I will do that in a separate blog post, also I will post about ways in which I cope with anxiety, so if there are any of you out there who suffer like I do then I hope you can maybe benefit from my upcoming blog posts.

Little Ren x
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2 comments

  1. I just found your blog and am loving it. This post is one I really connect with. I've recently started suffering from anxiety, which I kept bottled up. This probably made everything worse and seriously hurt those close to me as they couldn't understand why I didn't talk to them, but at the time it was something I didn't understand and found soo scary, plus the constant thoughts that I shouldn't feel down because others had it much worse. I've also had those who tell me just to 'snap out of it' or can't understand how I can do certain things without it being a trigger.
    Anyway just wanted to show my support and think your doing a wonderful job with your blog :)
    Love Lottie x

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  2. Thank you so much for reading! I am sorry that anxiety has hit you, it's really not a nice thing to go through and I think more people need to be aware of the signs! Bottling up your feelings is never a good thing, which is why I created this blog, to help myself and others. But I do understand that sometimes it's impossible to express your feelings (Another reason why anxiety sucks) You need to try and block out the negativity. One of the things I did every morning was write down 3 things I am happy about, it took a while but after I wrote them I felt a lot better.
    Don't worry about what other people think, you will get through it, and my email is in my contact drop down if you ever need someone to talk to! Thank you for your support!

    Renee x

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