Friday, 2 December 2016

Blogmas #2 | Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

                    My wishes to you this year are simple ones, not materialistic but come from the heart. When I was a little girl I dreamed of the presents I would wake up to on Christmas morning, every year I asked for a new bike, and every year I got one. Whenever there was a new Game Boy out I would ask for it, and surely enough I would get it. The amount of presents mattered to me more than anything, and what the brown boxes and sacks contained was also super important. When I was younger, I was selfish I was a child and an only child at that, of course I was selfish, no one I knew was ill, or suffering with a mental illness or broken. I was just a child.

When my sister came along, I got less and less, I hated that she was spoiled and even though I was just as equally, I felt like I was left out on the sidelines. I had to share my Christmas with her from that point onward, the photographs and videotapes would contain not one smiling child but two, and I hated it. As we grew I resented her even more, for having to share my Christmas Eve and Day, all the traditions all, the surprises were for not one, but two little girls and I despised it. I was just a child.

All those years of being selfish for toys and wanting more presents than my sister and wanting better presents than those in my school finally changed when all of a sudden...I lost my auntie. All of those Christmas mornings wondering what my Auntie Mandy could have possible bought me had come to a stop, when I realised there was one less present under the tree. I was not saddened by the loss of a present, but by the loss of the person who should have given it.

Just like a teenager changes their phase I changed my perspective on Christmas Day, I still marvelled at what lay inside the packages under the tree and began to withdraw into my selfish ways when history repeated itself, I lost my great grandmother. And then after that my uncle. And then a few years later both of my grandfathers were diagnosed with terminal diseases, that would eventually take them away from me too.

When I was younger my letter to you would normally contain lists and lists of presents I wanted and how many I wanted and why I thought I deserved them. letter to you is quite simple.

Dear St Nicholas, this year I am an adult, I do not wish for presents, I do not wish for other people to get materialistic presents. This year I wish for my family to have a happy Christmas, a loving Christmas, filled with laughter and joy and love and peace. I wish for that one day that Cancer didn't exist, that disease didn't exist and the word terminal didn't exist. I wish to feel the love and presence of all those I have lost, including the pets that I loved so dearly who had to pass over the rainbow bridge. Could you bring them all back, for one day not in physical form but in spirit?
I wish for everyone suffering with these diseases to get one day with their families where they can be pain free and smile. For a disabled child to walk for the first time, for a shelter dog to get a loving home, for the elderly who live alone to be asked to join a family for Christmas dinner. For the world, just for one day - to be free of the cruelties and hardships society has put onto them.

This is the one statement in my letter where I may have to be a little selfish but could you please make it so my Bampi is completely pain free? and not just for Christmas but at all times. He is my rock and he has battled through enough, just let him live without worry of pain, he is a good man and doesn't deserve what he has. He's my Bampi....I'm not a child any more, but I need him.

As the years have gone by I have realised that I need my family more than 'things' -  no matter how big someone's house is they may not have anyone to share it with. At least I can say that spending time with the people I love is more important to me than anything. No matter how much I despised my sister, now I couldn't imagine my life without her, I look at her and I see myself, only a better version of myself and she is the reason I do what I do. 

So Santa, it's your choice but before you say no I would like to say that I would give up everything I had every Christmas if it even meant adding just one more day onto the lives of everyone I may lose. Your choice St Nick. 

Renee x


Thursday, 1 December 2016

Blogmas #1 | Going home for Christmas

Hello everyone!

I hope you are all excited about Christmas as much as I am! It's sort of a shame i'm not staying at uni for Christmas- I would have loved to have decorated my bedroom, since I am not back at Bangor until the 22nd January there isn't much point!

Today has been kind of a dull day, since I haven't been sleeping very much because it wouldn't be university without a little bit of stress and pressure to get some work done. But I won't bore you!
I will be leaving Bangor and jumping on a train to Swansea on the 16th December and spend five weeks with my incredible family!
This will be the first year I haven't been there to help with the decorations and all the festive fun stuff, however my mother has taken it upon herself to go to town on our house and turn it into a winter wonderland!

This makes me super excited to go home, only two weeks and i'm there! My mum has sent me snapchats and camera photos of our living room to give me a sense of what returning home will include! And I love it. Tinsel, a huge Christmas tree decorated beautifully, baubles and pom poms, boxes and stockings its all wonderful and my mother really outdid herself this year! I won't sit here rambling on too much, but my first Blogmas post will consist of a couple of snapshots of our living room to show you how much love and effort my mother has when it comes to Christmas.

Yes I threw in a photo of Belle - it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't!

Do any of you have photographs of you're Christmas decorations? Or do you think it's too soon? haha! If you have some I would love to see them!

Renee x


Growing as a person

Good morning everyone!

I love crisp winter mornings, the early morning darkness that prevents you from wanting to leave the warmth of your bed. The sound of the frosted leaves crunching beneath the shoes of students outside your window, all of it gets me so excited for Christmas and being able to travel home to spend the holidays with my family.

I have always had a love of Christmas, Autumn and all things Winter. My mother's side of the family have always made Christmas a cherished holiday with plenty of love and excitement. My inner child gets super antsy every year when September hits, knowing that soon it will be a time of giving...and I frigging love buying presents!

I suppose you are wondering what this has to do with the title of my post? Well it does and it doesn't you see, this Christmas is truly different from the years before, for one I do not live at home anymore. Right now I am far away from little Swansea at Bangor studying for a criminology degree, I don't know why I chose to go so far away - all I know is that it has helped me greatly.
Every year I have been with the same people, in the same house, every single day, experiencing the hussle and bussle of Christmas shopping and hiding presents and last minute rushes because you forgot to buy for someone...just me? (Oops). Decorating the tree and pulling the Christmas Decor out of the attic was my favourite thing to do in the world, this year however it is all being done without me and whereas I should be sad, i'm actually pretty relieved.
For the last few weeks I have been at university I have found out a lot about myself, I love being on my own - for someone who hated being lonely I found that I really enjoy my own company, and that's okay. Reading a book with my fairy lights and the scent of lavender spritzed on my pillows, is something I couldn't have done at my own home,  living with your mum, teenage sister and boyfriend it can be challenging to get some alone time! At Bangor I don't have to worry about that - I can prance around naked in my room if I wanted to (Don't worry I wont).

Secondly I have found that being out of my comfort zone and by comfort zone I mean my home, I am pushed to participate in a lot more social activities with newly found friends, at home the only social interaction I really had was date night with Batman. Now I am barely within the walls of my room, going to lectures and then spending time with your flat mates or course mates straight after has become a routine in my life, one I hope doesn't disappear.
These small outings such as library work - Sounds boring but actually we have a right old laugh while doing work! Or a cooked breakfast at 'Mikes Bites' to cure a hangover, has made me more aware of myself, before university I didn't think many people liked me very much. now I know I was degrading myself drastically. I have learned to finally accept that I'm not all that bad!
Honestly this has made me grow so much into my own person as I can finally learn to start believing in myself! I have friends, people fact, like me. I make them laugh and they make me laugh, we eat together, drink together and attend lectures together - and for the first time since I have been here I can see myself graduating with an incredible group of lifelong friends.

Being 23 years old I still felt sort of like a child when I got here, now simple things such as doing my own food shopping, living alone 'technically' paying hall fees and attending lectures even when you're at your most hungover state yet, and even something as simple as buying a train ticket home (I never travel on my own) - have all reassured me and made it clear that I am in fact 100% adult!...okay maybe like 90%.

 I still fool around, I still act like an idiot but I do it with friends and a smile on my face knowing deep down in my heart that I am happy here, I an independent here, I have friends here. This place, this beautiful, quiet, mountainous land called Bangor, has helped me grow, helped me learn to love my flaws, helped me conquer my inner demons and has helped me plan my future here because the way things are going...I may just stay here, even after graduation.

 Happy First of December! I am going to attempt blogmas this year! So after this post is published...a new one will be uploaded!

Renee x