Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Writing stories & serious convos

Hello my beautiful readers!

Writing is always something I have been serious about, whether it was in a diary, within this blog or random stories on the back of my history book pages, it's always been a part of my life. I have never really revealed this to many people, I always though that it was silly or not worth sharing that part of my life, don't ask me why though, it's just something I never shared.

My diary is my life, it's my friend, secret keeper, councillor and anti-depressant. It works for me and helps me through things that I wouldn't necessarily talk to people about, it gets written in multiple times a day and includes so many emotions it may as well be alive - I am positive something can't hold that much mixed emotion without exploding but then I think "Oh wait...I do".
The life I have been dealt isn't something I would have chose for myself, and I think for a long LOOOONG time I have focused on the negative aspects in my life, and instead of talking about it with someone I wrote stories instead. These stories were, and still are the persona of my self destructive self, let's see if I can explain this so people can understand and I don't waffle (I do that a lot!)

I write my negative feelings and self destructive thoughts in my diary as a different person, as if I am writing a fiction book about someone else, that way  I can distance myself from the bad and once I close the book my fears and worries are enclosed never to be seen again...If that makes sense?

And when I started doing this I thought "Well this person needs a name" and then this whole character was born. I would say her name but I am just not ready to release her identity just yet. But nevertheless she helps me through a lot of shit! Right now I get the feeling I will always need her but one day, when the time comes for me to stop writing her story, that diary will always remain with me because it will remind me of a time where I wasn't okay, but I got over it and sometimes looking back at hurdles is needed in life. Aside from my story writing sometimes I slip away from being sensible and can end up hurting others all alongside hurting myself too.

I had a serious conversation with someone. My actions had hurt them and things they did had hurt me but even though all this drama happened she still came back to help which I really appreciate. I tend to voice my feelings a lot on social media because of the fact I find more support there than anywhere else, people are kind online, they go through what you go through and they help when you feel lost. Even though this is the case for most people in the online community I was making people feel guilty about my being unhappy and that wasn't right, however I will still continue to talk about mental health and I will still continue to talk about my feelings online because It DOES really help me, but I think I need to tone it down a bit and be less dramatic and more myself when it comes down to it. Mental health is close to my heart, it's something I suffer with and struggle with and no matter what that will never change...but I can, and this was made really clear to me today.

I have been offered help I cannot refuse and I now realise that I can't let a particular person that I live with rule my life and get me down forever, I have to change that and I am surprisingly very optimistic about it. Being able to get in contact with more family members and rekindle and mend the relationships I have broken is something I am truly excited about.

Right now, for the first time in a long time..I feel great. I'm happy writing stories and having friendly conversations.

I hope you are all having a wonderful evening and i'm sorry this blog post is so long!

Renee x

Happy face = Happy changes


Saturday, 15 April 2017

Dear Diary #1 | Dress shopping & weight loss

Hello my beautiful readers!

Welcome to my first Dear Diary post - excited? I am!

Where do I start? First of all I am truly happier with my family situation than I was before, I didn't really see much of my family and never really spoke to them that regular, however things are changing and I am so grateful. I have become super close with my auntie again and have been seeing more of my grandparents, all in all it's a win win for me! I spent a lovely day shopping in Cardiff with my auntie, mum, cousin and my sister - Dress shopping, lunch, laughs and family what more could a girl ask for?

We were specifically shopping for a dress for my auntie who is the mother of the groom! My cousin's wedding is coming up real soon and I cannot contain my excitement! I love weddings! And I get to see one of my own faves marry the love of his life - Priceless! It's safe to say there were a lot of dresses we loved that day and my auntie came away with a few to try out and make a decision, no matter which one she picks she will look glamorous!

As for me I still have no idea what I am going to wear to the wedding but there's plenty of time. First of all I have to find one I feel comfortable in, that's proving harder and harder every day but I am sure I will find something.

As for the weight loss situation it's kind of at a stand still, I feel like a failure all over again, this cycle is so hard! Work my ass off - Lose 30lbs - continue what I am doing - can't lose anymore weight - get disheartened - puts weight back on - works ass off - and so on and so on.
Being large is super hard, knowing I can't seem to lose more than 30lbs no matter how hard I try fucking sucks! I feel like I am stuck in a fat suit and I have no idea how to unzip it. So yeah the weight situation is kind of a bummer, it will always be a bummer.

I have asked for some help from the doctors again, the last time I confronted a doctor about my weight was over a year ago after the weight loss pills he gave me stopped working and he made me feel really shitty by basically telling me I must not have been exercising enough or I must be cheating on my to say I switched doctors after that. Now I am scared to go back and ask for help from my new doctor but I am sure she will be more understanding and will actually be able to help me in the right direction...I hope.

I don't know what I will do if someone tells me I will be stuck at this weight forever, I am not ready to hear it but I am also not ready to give up, there must be something I can do that will help me.

That's it for today's rants and thoughts - I hope it wasn't too much of a bore!

Happy Saturday!

Renee x

A throwback to how thin I used to be - I look at it everyday and wonder if I can ever get back to my healthy weight again!