Sunday, 25 June 2017

Being honest with myself


Hello beauties

This post has been a long time coming and unfortunately I think it's going to be a long post, we will see how much I care to share.

I will start at the beginning but I promise I will make it brief.
When I was a child I had the best childhood, we have a large family and were all incredibly close. One of my favourite memories is playing spies with my cousin; we were so into it it’s actually adorable. When I was 7/8 my mum blessed me with a baby sister and although for the first 10 years of her life we didn’t really get on, now I would have no life without her.
Unfortunately throughout my life several of my close relatives passed away, including my auntie Mandy who I looked up to like my idol and my great nana who was the strongest woman I know. So many deaths in my life, made me incredibly sad and it started a severe fear where I was and still am, afraid that at any moment someone I love could die. It’s an anxiety that I struggle to phase out, sometimes it keeps me up all night but I’m working on it.

When I start comprehensive school, almost immediately I’m bullied for several reasons, one of them is because apparently I have a pig face which was brought to my attention in the middle of math class when I was called up by the teacher to complete a sum on the board and I overheard “Doesn’t her face look like a pigs?” to which the others kids replied “omg yeah it does” and laughed the whole time I was up there… I worked out the sums barely being able to see what I was writing because of the tears filling my eyes. After that I tried to fit in with the popular kids which only made my situation worse, I was bullied for trying too hard or they pretended to be my friends to borrow my brand new ipod nano or to give them the password to my new phone…I did all of these things only to be squared up to in the middle of the school with three girls screaming at me telling me they were going to and I quote “Smash my face in” because I told a girl I felt like she was my best friend…Yup that’s it, apparently she was their best friend and how dare I tell her otherwise. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, especially when a girl shouted “Hold on it’s not fair it’s three against one”. One of the girls came and stood next to me and pretended to argue with her friends…everyone thought it was hilarious except me of course.

I left that school without a single friend, and started in a new comp without knowing anyone there. It wasn’t that bad, but I still left after 4 years without more than 2 friends, and I only see them once in a blue moon.

After a few years my mum and dad fight constantly, breaking up and then getting back and it repeats itself over and over again until I find myself wishing they would break up for good, that day finally comes when my dad loses his business and we lose our home. Another incredibly sad time in my life, me, my mum and sister move into a rented property and I hate it. We end up moving once again after only a year of being in the new house, all of the friends I made in college stopped keeping in contact after we left, no matter how hard I tried I never got a reply, or I did but they were always busy.
I had several relationships over a 3 year period all which ended with the following...either being cheated on, or left for an ex, and the one that hurt the most was being left for one of your friends! At least now I can say I have finally found someone who loves me for who I am, that is one thing I will forever be thankful for.

Food becomes my main source of comfort, I eat to feed all my emotions no matter what they may be, especially when I apply to university 3 years in a row to study midwifery and get rejected every time. After the third rejection I give up and apply for Criminology instead, I decide I would rather study something else and move on with my life than have to be stuck in the same college for another two years, I eventually move to Bangor for uni.

Before this though I am in and out of jobs, extremely lonely and bored. My mother falls into a depression and won’t go out and see anyone unless they come to the house, this includes family, leaving me feel isolated and stuck. It’s something she still does now, even if she is invited she just simply will not drive to see anyone, I don’t know what the problem is but I suppose only she knows. I save up for driving lessons and have about 3 before I have to stop because I have to help my mum with bills, my only hope of slight independence is slipping away all over again, I become even more sad and withdrawn.

To make sure this post isn’t too long I’m going to talk about events that happen in a one year period that repeat themselves, I will bullet point them to make it easier.

·         Mum and me argue
·         Mum and sister argue
·         Mum gets boyfriend then dumps him and says she will never go back but then the next week taaadaaaa he’s there again
·         My mum complains about having no money but for some reason always gets clothes delivered
·         Mum is back and forth the hospital because of her back
·         I miss college because I have to look after her
·         I try to get in contact with old friends, everyone is busy
·         I cry almost everyday
·         Boyfriend doesn’t understand because he has asperges and physically can’t – it’s not his fault
·         I comfort eat more and more
·         I try to lose weight but can never shift it
·         I’m sad
·         I go to uni
·         I have no friends at uni – I stay in my room almost all the time
·         I finally make two friends at uni and I’m happy – oh wait I have no money I’m sad again
·         I visit the doctor because I’m always sad, combined with a counsellor
·         I’m feeling lower than low – having horrible thoughts
·         I’m diagnosed with depression
·         Do I tell anyone….No

·


I haven’t told a soul in my family about the fact that I have been clinically diagnosed, and I would if it were not for the fear of someone telling my mother. My mother is the type of person you talk about tv with and people with but not relationships or mental health problems, I won’t go into detail as of why but let’s just say for someone who has depression she isn’t very sympathetic to others who suffer with mental ill health.
The whole point of this post is to be honest with myself about the past experiences that have caused me to feel the way I feel, and eat the way I eat. I would have never admitted to anyone before these particular incidences in my life but my blog is the perfect place to talk about them without having to explain myself. I know that there are people out there who have had it waaaay harder than me, trust me this isn’t a “feel sorry for me post” this is simply a post for me to look at and feel okay with the past that I have, I can move on from it finally and say the words I have always wanted to say…

I AM MEANT FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!!

Woah that felt good!

Although my situation right now isn’t ideal, I know deep down that it will change soon, because I am going to make it change! I have a plan my dears! But, for the first time in a long time, I don’t see myself as a sad clothing size…I see myself as Renee Kent, who loves blogging and loves her family and is going to change her life at her own pace and STOP striving, and rushing for perfection…it doesn’t exist.

I’m happy with myself, the other day I wore a bikini and I didn’t even care, that’s a huge step for me. I will be successful, I will live a happy life and I will love myself. I DO love myself <3
You are all beautiful!

Renee
x


*I always put this here on these kinds of posts but if anyone needs to talk, DM me on twitter @littlerenblog or email me at littleren2125@gmail.com – I’m here to talk* 
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Thursday, 15 June 2017

SCORPIO REVIEW | Jeffree Star liquid lipstick

Hello beauties!

It has been so so long since I have written a beauty related post, longer than I can actually remember, so I thought it was about time that I did one, I love beauty products, make up etc and I feel like I don't write about them or review them enough and I really want to start bringing the beauty element back into my blog so what better way to kick start it than to write a lipstick review!

Purchasing Jeffree Star products is not something I can afford to do very often, in fact I NEVER purchase his stuff for myself, I always save up and purchase Jeffree Star's products for my younger sister, she is obsessed with him and his make up range and is super talented when it comes to make up so I would much rather buy them for her....and then we can share (oops).

When browsing through Jeffree's website to look for purchases I normally look for the things I know she will like as we both have different tastes, on this occasion however I came across a liquid lipstick that I know we would both use and both absolutely LOVE! The lipstick colour is called 'Scorpio' and I will link it in this post for anyone who wants it.




The colour

This colour is quite simply the most beautiful colour I have ever seen! As it states on his website "It's like grey and purple made love" I feel that vibe.
Almost a mauve purple the colour itself may not seem like an everyday lip colour however it would be stunning with a black sassy outfit on a night out or a lovely pale summer dress - honestly you could make this work and look fabulous!

The packaging

I adore Jeffree Star's packaging on all of his products, not only that but for the price you are paying the sizes of his products and the amount that's included it completely worth it! The clear bottle it a must in seeing the colour you are getting - I love lipsticks that you don't have to open to clearly see the colour, I'm lazy okay! But the pink top and wand with the chrome writing and stars is just beautiful, it's one of those products that you carry with you everywhere and can't wait to show off to everyone you know because the packaging is so pretty!

On the lips

The first thing I noticed while applying this product is that the consistency is super creamy and super soft. The wand was also extremely soft and small so it was easy to apply to my lips, I can struggle sometimes because my lips aren't exactly the plumpest around. While swiping the product over my lips the pigmentation was insane, I love heavily pigmented lipsticks especially in the unusual colours you find and this one did not disappoint. Once Scorpio was on my lips immediately I could tell how moisturising it was on my lips, which can be hard to get when conducting a formula - Sometimes I find that the liquid lipsticks can dry out my lips pretty badly.

Overall 

I wore Scorpio on date night with Daniel and the only thing that went wrong was when I was eating food - BUT this pretty much happens with loads of lipsticks and liquid lipsticks, no one can help that!  Luckily I had it on hand in my bag for a top it. After wearing it all day I found that it stayed on for the majority of the day and was super happy with how well it wears. Not only is the colour stunning but the creaminess and the wear I got out of it makes paying shipping for this product totally worth it! I would highly recommend this lipstick to anyone and it truly does look beautiful on the lips!





Thank you for taking the time to read my little blog - I am super happy with how it is turning out, if you have a blog leave a comment in the comment section with the link and I will mosey on over and take a look. Don't forget to follow my blog and remember you are all beautiful!

Renee
x



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Friday, 9 June 2017

Lake Side Stroll

Hello beauties!

This blog post is being uploaded some time after this day out happened but I am happy to finally be writing about it. There has been so much going on right now to do with family and myself but I won't go into that right now, I will wait for a dear diary post!

A couple of days ago I made a promise to myself that I was going to try and walk 12000 steps everyday, so far so good, except for yesterday as the weather was super horrid so I stayed in and read my book all day and had a nice day with my family.
We have a beautiful lake in Swansea called Fendrod lake and the whole way around is exactly 1 mile, the lake itself is filled with fish and frogs and stunning swans and waddling ducks, I love the nature there so much. Everyone has the same idea when it comes to this particular place and it's to walk their dogs around the lake, not only is it good exercise but it's also a great opportunity to socialise with other dog lovers and for dogs to find some friends!



Me and Daniel decided to take Belle on her first ever walk around the lake, we walked the 35 or so minutes there, around the lake once and then walked back home which was great. Not only did Belle really enjoy herself but it gave me and Daniel an opportunity to be by ourselves and talk. It can be difficult being in a long term relationship and living in a full house with parents and siblings...it can seem crowded at times and tensions rise! These are some photographs of our teeny tiny adventure but I do appreciate the little things in life and right now these are the moments I cherish the most.

Love you all and remember you are all beautiful

Renee x
















































































































































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Saturday, 3 June 2017

June Goals & Bod Squad Buds

Hello everyone!

Yes it's me! I haven't blogged in so long and I always say "I promise I will be consistent" well apologies for failing once again! As much as I am disfunctional and unorganised I swear I do love my blog and I will always come back to it!

First of all, June goals - I have decided that at the beginning of every month I will upload my goals, people may want to see what I aim to do but mainly they are there to keep me on track and to guilt me into sticking with them...since everyone can see them I am now held accountable.

Goals for June 

Increase my water intake

Run 1k without feeling the need to stop and take a break (yes I am that unfit)

Reach 12,000 steps every day of this month

Smile more often

They maybe small to some of you but to me they are huge and they will be quite an achievement if I manage to fulfil them. The smile more one speaks for itself, I don't smile very often and that needs to change - I already know that September will be the start of some amazing things for me, I also know that until I am out of my household I will never truly feel happy or free. But for now I'm trying to look at everything in a positive light, after all it's only a few months until I fly the next and feel like the adult that I am.

Onto the Bod Squad! I set up a brand new instagram under the name of 'reneegetsthinner' so I could document and log my weight loss journey so that I can once again, be held accountable and also to become inspired and meet people in the same boat as me. One person in particular who has lost over 130lbs is a girl who goes by the name 'jordanshrinks' I have followed her for a long time both on my new instal and also my old one and have been inspired by her everyday! She created a group on Facebook called the 'Bod Squad' and was kind enough to accept me into it. The amount of people I have talked to and met is unreal, and most of them started their journeys around the same time as me, they understand my food addiction and help me when I'm struggling, I have spoke to people who love half way across the world from me who have been super supportive. The struggle can be real, but knowing there are a bunch of people who are going through the same thing is incredible. And I have Jordan to thank for that...her instagram is linked in with her name check her out she is amazing.

With the help of both the Bod squad and my monthly goals I'm hopeing I will become the person I know I can be, I just need to remember that my situation right now isn't forever, and I've started making progress into changing my life, saving money, making sure I keep my diary and also keeping a food diary is helping a lot! So many adventures, so many friends...I'm so thankful in this moment for everything.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and I promise I will most more...I swear I will!!

Renee

X

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